There’s a certain physical and emotional distance you keep between yourself and others.  We call this distance your “boundaries.”  Boundaries are the limits you have set for other people.  Imagine a series of invisible circles around your body that determines how close you will let people get to you. These circles define your boundaries and determine how much you will share with others and how open you will be in your relationships

Boundaries let things in and keep things out.  They protect your thoughts, feelings, body and behavior.  They help tell you what’s right or wrong.  When someone crosses the boundaries you have set, your mind tells you that the person has gone too far and your start to feel uncomfortable.

The following are two general areas of boundaries:

External
These boundaries protect your body.  You decide who can touch you, how they can touch you, and so on.  Physical boundaries protect sexual areas of the body as well.

Internal
These boundaries protect your thoughts and emotions.  You decide what feelings you will or will not share with others. This is also a spiritual boundary, protecting the spiritual part of you.

People who don’t respect your boundaries are people you shouldn’t choose for friends.  Have you ever had someone you didn’t know very well get too close too soon?  People who come on “too strong” can make you feel uneasy; that’s because they have crossed your personal boundaries.

You begin setting your own boundaries at an early age. Your parents help teach you right from wrong and how to share personal thoughts and feelings with someone.

For example, people often share their private thoughts with their best friends and parents.  They allow them inside their closest emotional boundaries. Relationships with other people are not as personal.  Casual acquaintances talk about “light” and non-personal topics like the weather, sports or movies.  Strangers may exchange only necessary information or no information at all.  Boundaries change over time with different people and situations.

Do the Elevator Activity

As an example of boundaries, think about riding in an elevator alone.  You have all that space to yourself and you can move around as you please.  Gradually, other people get on the elevator.  You are not as comfortable as when you were alone.  You feel uneasy because other people have entered the space where you once felt comfortable.  They are just too close.  You feel crowded and uneasy.  They have crossed one of your physical boundaries.

The people in the above example were strangers.  Had they been friends, you may not have felt as uncomfortable.  But the same feeling of having your boundaries violated can occur with friendships, too.  Friends can violate your boundaries when they share personal information about you with others.  When friends violate your trust, they also violate your boundaries.

If you find yourself frequently “getting burned” by friends who tell personal things about you to others, maybe you have the wrong friends.  Or, perhaps you’ve set the wrong boundaries and you shouldn’t share as much as you have been.

Do the Boundaries PPT Activity

How Do People Violate Boundaries?

• Interrupting a conversation when you are talking to someone else
• Taking one of your possessions
• Teasing or making fun of you
• Asking very personal questions
• Touching a part of your body you do not want touched
• Telling other people personal stories or private information
• Always being around you—making you feel uncomfortable by invading your private space
• Saying or doing things in front of you that you find offensive or vulgar
• Forcing you or manipulating you into doing something sexual
• Physically or sexually abusing you

Inappropriate Boundaries

Appropriate boundaries protect a person’s body, thoughts, and feelings.  When appropriate boundaries aren’t set, it can create a dangerous situation, both physically and emotionally.  Inappropriate boundaries can be too closed: never sharing personal thoughts and emotions with others.  They also can be too open: sharing many private thoughts or physical encounters with casual acquaintances or strangers.

Signs that boundaries are too open:

1. Saying too much about yourself too soon
2. Telling acquaintances or strangers your personal thoughts or experiences
3. Public displays of affection
4. Wearing revealing clothing
5. Having sexual encounters with acquaintances or strangers
6. Not being able to say “no”
7. Standing too close to others
8. Making sexual comments about other people’s body parts
9. Trusting strangers
10. Believing everything you hear

Signs that boundaries are too closed

1. Never sharing thoughts or feelings with anyone.
2. Not having any friends.
3. Not letting adults help.
4. Never asking for help, even when needed
5. Refusing to let trustworthy people touch you appropriately (handshakes, hugs, pats on the back.)

Setting Appropriate Boundaries

There are a number of ways for you to set and maintain appropriate boundaries or to help friends with boundary problems.  Here are some examples

• Identify youth and adults you can trust and make friends with them
• Learn to identify and avoid people who look out only for their own interests
• Spend time with people who do well in school and at home, who are well liked and respected by many people.
• Be around people who bring out the best in you.
• Learn to say “No” when you are being pressured to do something wrong.
• Trust your sense of safety or danger.  These are good indicators of right and wrong.
• Learn how to think through and solve problems before reacting.
• Speak up when someone or something bothers you.
• Talk to adult you can trust
• Find ways to tell or show others what your personal boundaries are.

If you notice that you frequently feel uneasy or anxious around someone, examine your boundaries.  Find out why you feel that way.  Then, if possible, explain your feelings to that person.  Maybe something can be worked out.  On the other hand, if your feelings go beyond just feeling uneasy, and you feel nervous and afraid, talk to a trusted adult and ask for help.  Don’t place yourself in situations where you worry about your safety.